No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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