And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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