Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize