you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
