He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
