I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
are you so shy because you have an std?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
