her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
