I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just had sex on a roof
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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