is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
