can we get nightvision for the apartment?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
