First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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