nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
