You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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