this beer tastes like vomit already
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
