You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love having hate sex.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
