I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
