I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
