I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
