Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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