whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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