So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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