ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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