U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
