HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
