last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
