I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
