If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't deserve a penis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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