take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
