Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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