Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
