I wish I could teleport
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
