its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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