is your mom at the bar?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
