Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
