when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
