you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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