My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
