Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
