Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
we're so committed to being not committed
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
