Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
