Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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