hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
