i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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