I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i now understand why vodka
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
