Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
