anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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