had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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