he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
