my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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