I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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